Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
