atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
