just tell him i said nine months
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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