I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
