I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
