I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
