She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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