last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
