I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
