I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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