he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
