she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
