I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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