I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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