I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
