I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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