When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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