You made me cry and you don't even care
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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