Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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