I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You can't motorboat a personality
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize