Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Randomize
