I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
