Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
