I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
