i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
