can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
