Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
