Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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