Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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