I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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