Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
