After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize