I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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