Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
