I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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