Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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