Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i drank out of a bidet.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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