jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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