I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
