i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
two words...techno handjob
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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