My nipple is on Facebook.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
