This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
