You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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