When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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