Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
