How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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