I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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