I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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