I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
