So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
