I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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