gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
