Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
