Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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