Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
