I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
