I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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