I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
